


All that I love, I leave to you

by SidneySydney



Series: To love, and be loved in return [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Arguments, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining Allura (Voltron), Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Season 8, Unreliable Narrator, Unresolved Emotional Tension, everyone is pining, possessed allura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 05:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17197280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidneySydney/pseuds/SidneySydney
Summary: After an incident between Lance and Allura that leaves Lance injured, Allura is left in a state of despair and shame. Her fear only worsens when Keith has a word with her. For better or for worse, this is a conversation that must happen.





	All that I love, I leave to you

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Edits for typos etc still being made. 
> 
> Note x2: Feel free to comment if you like any of these works. I don't reply much (if ever) because I'm anxious and pathetic. But I read them all. xx

Allura didn’t mean for it to happen, really. Up until now she’d been able to retain control of the entity within her. Her will has always been something she’s prided herself on; her parents always told her it was her strongest quality. And she was confident it was stronger than even the darkness now inside her.

But now she’s not so sure. Allura can’t help but admit that it was easy to let go for a moment. Just for a single moment. To let it take over. But at what cost?

It starts like this.

Lance, by her bed in the medical ward with his head in his hands. As the fogginess clears from around her vision she can see the defeated slope of his shoulders. He’s always had nice shoulders, and over time Allura found herself having to drag her eyes away from them more often. She likes to touch them now, too. Likes to hold them when they have sex, too. She just really, really loves them. But now there’s a stoop to them that Allura has never seen before. It makes him look small and vulnerable.

 _You did this to him_ , the traitorous voice in her head sneers. She feels the darkness inside her rumble, but swallows against it.

When Allura croaks Lance’s name his head shoots up. His eyes are red and irritated, and when Allura goes to smile at him she’s hurt when he doesn’t smile back. In fact, his eyes turn hard and his mouth thins into a tight line. Allura feels sick.

Nevertheless, Lance still reaches over to take her hand. The drag of his smooth palm over her dry, unkept skin has her feeling self-conscious, but he only tightens his hold. ‘Allura,’ he says, and there’s relief in his voice, but also hesitance. ‘How’re you feeling?’

‘Not my best,’ Allura admits. ‘But I’ll live. How long as it been?’

Lance stands and leans over Allura to adjust her pillows, his face still tense. Allura knows it is within his nature to dote, though, even if he’s mad. ‘About a day since we left Honerva’s mind. You were out cold when we pulled you out of the cockpit. You’re hooked up to an IV at the moment, so try and avoid moving around too much.’ He sits back in his chair. He’s still not looking at her.

‘Right.’ She closes her eyes when she feels the beginnings of a headache. ‘Lance, I think we should talk about all this.’ She opens her eyes to look at him again.

‘Oh, so _now_ you wanna talk about it. Right when my opinion doesn’t change a damn thing anymore. _Now_ it’s a discussion, huh?’

‘Lance,’ Allura says sharply, then takes a deep breath. With her free hand she taps anxiously against her leg, ‘I know you’re angry at me right now, and you have every right, but can we please not let this turn into an argument. I—I don’t have the will for that right now.’

Lance does look at her now, and his mouth twists. ‘Yeah, yeah of course. I’m sorry for snapping.’

‘It’s okay.’ The darkness thrashes inside her chest; she ignores it. ‘I know this entity within me is worrying you. I know you don’t like me using it. And I understand why you want me to get rid of it. And I’m sorry I keep hurting you this way. But, Lance, I need you—I’m asking you—to please let me do what I need to do.’

Lance looks like he wants to argue, but only presses his lips together and curls his free hand into a fist.

Allura continues. ‘This is bigger than you and me. This is the fate of all existence on the line. You must know that it’s always been my duty to preserve it, by any means necessary.’

‘I hate having to watch you suffer, though,’ Lance says. ‘It doesn’t feel worth it if by the end there’s nothing left of you.’

‘I know it’s hard for you to understand —’

‘Can you stop saying that?’ Lance cuts her off with a twisted expression.

Allura bites her tongue to stop herself from retaliating. There’s nothing she hates more than being cut off. She’s been cut off by men her entire life, always had to fight for her opinion to be heard—by her father, members of councils, leaders of planets. She doesn’t need her boyfriend doing the same, but she’ll let him have this one. Just this once.

‘I’m sorry?’ she sighs.

‘Stop telling me what I do and don’t understand. It’s like every time I try and show you I care you push me away because I “don’t understand”. Well, I’m trying to, I’m trying to understand why my girlfriend is so desperate to throw away her life.’

Allura grits her teeth. So, this was to turn into another argument after all. ‘Because if my life is all it takes to save everyone else’s, then it’s worth it! My life means nothing when it comes to the universe.’

Lance’s voice sharpens. ‘It means something to me. It means something to everyone on this ship.’ His hand flies towards the door.

Allura leans back into her pillow and looks up at the ceiling, wishing there was some way to knock understanding into his head. The sharp florescent lights of the medical ward make her eyes water. ‘Lance, you entered this relationship knowing what you were getting into. I have obligations that I can’t just throw away.’

She’s hears him breathe in through his nose. ‘I’m just saying, what’s the point of saving the universe if the person who has suffered the most doesn’t even get a happy ending? What’s the point if you lose yourself to this thing? Why does everyone else get to be happy but you?’

Allura smiles bitterly. ‘That’s a very close-minded way of seeing things.’

‘ _Don’t_ call me close-minded,’ Lance snaps, and Allura is shocked by the venom in his voice.

It has the darkness inside her spreading in defence. Has her skin prickling with energy. ‘This way of thinking certainly puts you within that category. Your judgement is clouded because of your emotions.’

Lance rolls his eyes. ‘What? Am I just supposed to not feel things anymore? Live my life out as an emotionless slave to the cause?’ Lance is standing now, and rips his hand out of Allura’s to cross his arms against this chest. ‘Like you?’

Allura follows his lead and sits up, ignoring the way her head rushes. ‘I have a _duty_. A responsibility to the people of every reality. You want me to sacrifice their best chance for survival because of your own fears? Are you really that selfish?’

They’re both breathing hard now.

‘Selfish?’ Lance murmurs, his voice restrained but Allura senses something deadly behind it. ‘Is that what you think of me? I’m selfish for not wanting my girlfriend to destroy herself?’

‘You are if you’re willing to sacrifice the lives of billions for your own happiness,’ Allura asserts.

‘I just think there has to be a better way to do this,’ Lance says.

‘And I just think you’re being a coward.’ Allura almost gasps at her own words. They—they don’t feel like they’re coming from her at all. But from somewhere deeper, somewhere dark. Somewhere foreign. The entity…

But she can’t stop them. They’re being pushed out before she even has a chance to smother them back down. She feels something vibrating within her.

Lance says, ‘And I just think you’re too blind to see what you’re becoming. If you don’t stop messing with this darkness you’ll end up just like Honerva. Where all this destruction started in the first place.’

There’s a roaring in Allura’s ears, rage and hurt in her veins, vibrations under her skin, she hears herself yelling, it all builds and builds and builds, until —

Darkness.

 

 

 

 

 

When Allura comes to, she’s sprawled out on the floor and there’s an alarm blaring somewhere in the room. Her wrist aches, and when she begins to push herself to her hands and knees she realises she’s yanked out her IV. There’s a pool of blood where her hand is.

There’s a ringing in her ears.  

Her memory comes back to her all at once. Lance. Their fight. The entity thrashing inside her. The darkness.

Her panic flares. ‘Lance,’ she rasps. She’s on one side of the bed and can see his boot beneath the bed. He’s also on the ground, and not moving. Allura hauls herself to her feet, leaning heavily against the side of the bed when her head rushes with blood. Then she propels herself over the bed and lands on the other side with unsteady feet.

Horror brings her crashing to her knees. Lance is on his side, unconscious and with a bruise forming under his eye. The chair he was sitting on has tipped over. Lance isn’t moving, and Allura isn’t sure if he’s even breathing.

With a cry, she throws herself to Lance and pulls him into her lap, brushing her hands over his face, down his neck and shoulders to his wrists. She presses her thumbs into the skin and sighs when she feels his pulse flutter under her grip. A sob bursts its way out of her and she clutches him to her chest.

Her left hand is over his chest, right over his heart, when she recalls his injury from the omega shield. And suddenly she’s terrified all over again. And she’s shouting for a nurse. And her voice his barely even recognisable anymore, raspy and thick. She hasn’t felt panic this overwhelming since Altea’s fall. She’s swiped blood over Lance’s uniform from the wound on her wrist, and the sight of the dash of red over the white makes her want to vomit.

An instant later a nurse bounds into the room, his face a mask of horror as he looks at the state Allura and Lance are in. Then he’s dropping to his knees and shouting to someone Allura can’t see orders and codes Allura doesn’t understand. And he’s pulling Lance away from Allura, and she feels so helpless and afraid that all she can do is watch the nurse check over Lance with quick, expert hands.

Soon someone else enters to check over Allura, but she hardly notices them as she stares at Lance’s unconscious face with her heart in her throat. She can still feel the tingle of power at her finger tips, so she mashes her fingers into her thighs.

There’s a rush of footsteps and soon Shiro himself is there, with the other Paladins close behind. They all look at Lance, then at Allura. But no one says anything. There’s nothing to say.

‘His heart,’ Allura says through numb lips, and the nurse looking over Lance snaps his gaze to her. ‘His heart, you have to check his heart. Past trauma has weakened it and I’m afraid I —’

‘Allura.’ Pidge’s voice. ‘You did this?’

‘I didn’t mean to. We were arguing and then I blacked out, then I found him like this. You have to make sure his heart is okay. It—it…’

Everyone is giving her a blank look. Of course, they don’t know. No one knows. But when she sees Keith’s expression by Shiro’s shoulder, she notices panic that reflects her own. She doesn’t have time to dwell on it.

‘Princess,’ says the nurse. He’s ripped open Lance’s shirt and has a stethoscope out, ‘his heart is fine. In fact he’s completely fine. Just unconscious from a blow to his face. He might have a bit of a concussion when he wakes, but he’ll be okay.’

Allura shakes her head. ‘No, you don’t understand. He has a weak heart. You have to run some tests—just to be sure. _Please_.’

The nurse looks doubtful, but looks up to Shiro and asks, ‘Sir?’

Shiro stares at Allura with an impenetrable gaze. He seems to find what he’s looking for in her eyes because then he nods at the nurse. ‘Run a couple of tests. It can’t hurt.’

Before Allura knows it, a gurney is rolled in and Lance is loaded onto it and whisked away, Hunk and Pidge disappearing behind it.

The nurse beside Allura says, ‘Princess, you really should get back into bed. I’ll dress your wound and insert another IV.’

Allura nods, and the nurse helps her to her feet and then back into bed. She pulls Allura’s blankets back around her and then dresses her wound, all the while Allura can feel Keith and Shiro’s eyes on her. When the nurse disappears to collect some things Allura feels like she’s about to implode.

She hangs her head, her hair forming a curtain between her and them. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers. ‘I thought I could control it. But when I got angry it took control and lashed out.’

She is met with silence.

Then Shiro speaks. ‘This is exactly what Lance was afraid of in the first place. What I was afraid of. We can’t have another Kuron situation.’

Allura sees Keith wince.

‘It won’t happen again, I swear.’

A pause. ‘I believe you. Please don’t prove me wrong though, Allura. For all our sakes, but especially for Lance’s.’ He sighs and brings a hand to his forehead, looking exhusated. ‘I’m going to keep an eye on Lance, I’ll update you once he’s had his tests.’

Allura can’t help but notice how clipped his tone is. It forces her shame deeper into her heart. ‘Thank you, Shiro.’

Shiro leaves, but Keith doesn’t move. Hasn’t said a word yet, and his silence is frightening Allura. She’s just about to speak when Veronica comes rushing in, her face flushed and her hair a mess. She pushes her glasses further up her nose as she gasps, ‘Lance? I heard there was an incident.’ She looks close to crying. Allura knows the strain Veronica has been under: losing her brother once and now that she has him back is compelled to look out for him at every turn.

Keith puts a firm hand on Veronica’s shoulder. ‘He’s okay. Just unconscious,’ he assures, eyes soft. ‘He’s been taken for a couple tests just as a precaution, though.’

Veronica leans into Keith’s hand and places hers over top. ‘Oh, okay. Thank God,’ she breathes.

Keith smiles. ‘Want me to walk you down?’

Veronica shakes her head. ‘No, I’ll be fine.’ She looks to Allura and back to Keith. ‘Seems like you have business to deal with here anyway.’

Allura stiffens. Veronica disappears, and she’s once again left alone with Keith, who crosses the room with quiet feet and the rights Lance’s chair back up. He sits in it without a word. Allura wishes he would just spit it out already, the reprimand she knows is coming.

‘Are you okay?’ he says instead.

Allura’s eyebrows raise. ‘I—yes. I’m okay.’

‘Good. Because I’m about to have a serious conversation with you and I don’t want to exacerbate any of your injuries. Do you need anything?’

‘Perhaps a glass of water?’

Keith nods and retrieves her a glass. While he pours it, his back to her, Allura notices the tension in his shoulders. He passes it to her and then sits down again. ‘Tell me what happened.’

Allura recounts what happened.

Keith’s expression doesn’t shift. ‘What were you arguing about?’

Allura recounts their argument. 'Aren't you mad at me for hurting Lance?' she asks, confusion colouring her tone.

Keith shrugs. 'What do you want me to say that you're not already saying to yourself? I know you. I know it was an accident. That's all there is. What I'm more interested in is why you're so mad at Lance for worrying about you.’

Allura sighs. ‘Because this isn’t about him. Or me. It’s about the universe. He doesn’t seem to understand that.’

‘Might be because he loves you,’ Keith says with a shrug, expression a little sour. ‘Love tends to have that effect. Do you?’

‘Do I what?’

‘Love him?’ The question feels loaded with something Allura can’t see, but she feels it swimming beneath every word he says.

Allura falls back into her pillows and folds her hands over her stomach. ‘I think I do. I know it doesn’t look like it, but he makes me happy. However, sometimes, most of the time actually, I think perhaps I don’t make him happy. It feels like he’s doing all the work, and it breaks my heart.’

Keith leans forward and clasps his hands together. ‘He seems to think you’re worth it.’

‘Am I?’

‘I don’t think I can answer that question for you, Allura.’

‘I don’t want to continue hurting him like this. Literally, in this case. But I can’t forsake the universe for him. It’s…impossible. I don’t know what to do. We just keep arguing.’

She rubs her hands over her arms and tries to hold back her despair. It was strange that out of everyone on the Atlas, Keith was the one who was comforting her. Especially when she suspected…

‘Allura,’ Keith begins, ‘can I ask why you agreed to go out with Lance in the first place? Despite knowing that your heart would always lie foremost within your duty.’

Allura looks away, watches the way the machines beep and flick through their readings. ‘Because I knew there was something between us. And even though I was initially unsure, I wanted to see where it would lead. I wanted to give us a chance, because at least then, even if it ended in heartbreak, I would never think “what if?”. And I don’t regret a thing, despite everything, because at least I know what it’s like to really love, and be loved.’ She pauses and looks back at Keith. ‘It might be my only shot.’

His expression doesn’t change. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ve had this feeling for a little while now, ever since we left Earth—it’s like a warning, but also much like a calling at the same time—that I might not see this through to the end.’ Admitting it out loud felt like lifting a weight from her shoulders. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

‘You think you might…die?’ Keith asks.

‘Perhaps. I can’t be sure. But I’m not afraid of it. If it saves billions of lives, how can I?’

‘Have you told Lance?’

‘No. And you can’t tell him either. No one can know.’

Keith cocks his head. ‘Why are you telling me, then?’

Allura leans forwards to look Keith closer in the eye. ‘I saw your face before, when I mentioned Lance’s heart. You know, don’t you? About what happened to him with the omega shield.’

Keith’s face doesn’t so much as twitch. ‘I do.’

‘He told you himself?’

‘For the most part.’

Allura takes a second to will the words out of herself. She must approach this with care or risk scaring him off completely. ‘Keith, tell me how you feel about Lance.’ Whoops. Not quite as elegant as Allura was hoping, but it will do.

This does rattle Keith. Allura knows by the way his mouth presses tighter and by the flare of emotion in his dark eyes. ‘I care about him like I care about everyone on my team.’

Allura doesn’t believe him. ‘It’s more than that. Every time he walks into a room you stand a little taller, and your eyes always stray to him during meetings. And he’s always the first person you worry about on a mission.’

Keith’s eyes thin into narrow slits, and Allura’s afraid she’s already scared him off. ‘Why do you care what I feel for him?’

‘Because I want to know that there’s someone out there that feels the same as I do. So that when the end comes, and I’m not there, Lance has someone to lean on.’

Keith draws back, his expression finally cracking open and everything he’s been holding in slipping out all at once. Fear, love, surprise and horror. ‘What’re you saying? You don’t actually think you’ll die at the end of this, do you?’

‘I can’t be certain that I will, but I also can’t be certain that I won’t either. Like I said, it’s just a feeling.’

‘Why would you ask me this? You can’t just pass Lance off like that.’

Allura’s annoyance boils. ‘I’m not _passing him off_. I’m asking you simply to be there for him when all this is over. Whether or not you’re sliding your dick in and out of him is up to you— _and him._ ’

Keith drops his head into his hands and Allura sees the way the tips of his ears turn red. Definitely infatuated, she thinks with a bite of amusement.

‘Jesus,’ he says. ‘You didn’t have to say it like that.’

‘Am I wrong, though?’ she persists.

Keith looks away, a stubborn crease between his brows. ‘ _No_.’

‘All I’m saying is that I’m glad you care for him as I do. And I’m sorry you’re hurting. It seems like hurting people is one of the only things I’m good at lately.’

Keith leans over and rests a hand over Allura’s. She feels like crumbling under his touch. The Paladin is so incredibly good to the people he cares about. Allura sensed that about him the first moment she met him, despite his defensive demeanour. He protects the things he cares about with fierce devotion, and he’s open to even those he once considered enemies. Never has she been so grateful for his open heart.

‘Don’t beat yourself up,’ Keith says. ‘You’re in an impossible situation and you’re doing the best you can considering the circumstances. I know you and Lance aren’t seeing eye to eye right now, but I want you to know that I support what you’re doing, and though Lance doesn’t say it, he does too. You’re doing what you have to, what most of us would never have to guts to do.’

A warm tear trails its way over Allura’s cheek and she wipes it away with a groan. She smiles at Keith. ‘Thank you, Keith.’

His hand tightens over hers. ‘Anytime. And if by the end of all this you're...gone, though I really hope you aren't, I'll be there for Lance. I promise.’

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually, Allura’s nurse comes rushing in again with her tools and orders Keith out of the room on the basis that Allura has seen too much action too early in her recovery. And Allura can’t help but agree. She feels like there’s a weight or hand pressing down on her chest, holding her body fast to the bed.

Keith leaves with a quiet goodbye and a shy wave of his hand. Allura must admit, she feels much better having confided in Keith. In knowing that he feels as she does. In knowing that Lance won’t be alone when all is said and done. In knowing he supports her despite everything she’s forced them through.

After a good few hours asleep, Allura is woken by a hand in her hair. She opens her eyes to the most relieving of sights: Lance, awake and well, sitting on the edge of her bed with a contemplative look on his face. The bruising on the side of his face makes Allura cringe but, despite that, he looks okay.

If she had the strength she would throw her arms around him, but as it is she can barely lift her hand to touch his knee. ‘Lance,’ she sighs, smiling up at him. It falls a moment later. ‘I’m so sorry. I should have been able to control it better. I…’

She doesn’t finish. Lance shakes his head and shushes her. ‘It’s okay. It’s okay,’ he reassures, and lowers himself down next her, his body flush with hers and his head next hers on her pillow. She watches as his eyes fall shut and feels his hand wrap around her waist. ‘I’m not mad. I’m sorry we fought. Can we just sleep now?’

Allura leans forward and kisses him and lays her hand on his cheek. ‘Sleep sounds good.’ She curls herself in closer and wraps both her arms around him. She doesn’t know how many more chances she’ll get to have him in her arms, so she clings as tight as she can. ‘Your heart?’ she murmurs against his forehead.

‘It’s okay. Healthy as ever.’

The tension in Allura’s shoulders loosens. And she just holds Lance, feeling his breath against her collarbone, his fingers dragging over her skin beneath her shirt, his heart against her chest beating true and strong.

It’s here Allura feels truly safe.

  

 


End file.
